telling me i wasn't like all the other girls.
calling me on christmas, trying to arrange a dinner date.
when we went to cap city and it was really awkward
but i kind of started to fall for you.
after one of your shows, when we were all so drunk and we danced and danced.
valentines day, when i thought you were blowing me off, but then you finally showed up with some beautiful tulips and told me about how you had to go all over town to find a place that was open.
snow shoe. what a perfect weekend. tokin and laying in bed, laughing with each other.
my birthday when we both got so happily fucked up.
when i saw the song you wrote about me. i wish i could hear it.
watching you practice with the band while you were so proud to play for me.
attempting to put the five hundred piece puzzle together.
when we would just sit on your porch with your arms around me and watch the sky/storms/trains.
streaking.
whenever you played "wish you were here" or "across the universe" for me.
staying up all night laughing and talking while you were trippin. the tape recorder where we were so much in love.
when you told me you loved me and just held me.
realizing how intelligent you were.


i don't think i'll ever fall in love with anyone else. you were my soul mate and we were perfect for each other. i just wish you could get clean and realize it. i'll never stop loving you, you'll always be the last thing on my mind before i fall asleep, and i'll continue to hope for the day when you're better and miss me.
it was brief, yet intense and real. i miss talking to you. i miss you, i miss you, i miss you. i love you. i don't think i'll ever stop.

i hope some day i fall in love with a person who loves me just as much.

like jim and pam on the office :)

think it exists?

i just need to vent. i haven't written anything in here for awhile and just need to write, basically.

i'm trying so hard to keep an optimistic outlook on life but it's really hard when people keep trying to bring you down.
also, when people are mad about something, why can't they just be straight forward with you? i hate it when people have to dance around "THE REASON" they're pissed off instead of just coming out and saying it. come on, we're not in high school. i'm not trying to have drama or conflict in my life so if i did something or said something that irked you, just tell me and we'll work on it like mature adults should. another thing is why on earth is what someone "heard" a valid reason to be pissed off at me? cause i mean, there are a lot of people who hate me right now simply because i'm ben's ex girlfriend. but i mean, if those people are telling you stuff, it's probably not true?

i mean, shouldn't that be completely obvious? i talked my fair share of shit about people in high school, like i'm sure many people did. but that was high school? and i just think if you don't like someone, then be straight forward and don't prance around in front of them like you're cool but then when they aren't around, you spew the most hateful shit. cause it's okay not to like someone. you're not going to like everyone you meet.

but back to my point, when the fuck were rumors an accurate way of getting information? this friend who's mad about SOMETHING i apparently said or did, which he heard from someone, which i'm sure is none other than ben and the crew, has been my friend since i was in ninth grade. he's pretty much had my back through that whole terrible break up and i just can't believe he'd take anything those people said about me for a grain of salt. i am actually a good person. i don't wish any harm or hardship on anyone. i just wish we could all be free to pursue happiness and not feel the need to bring other people down. it hurts.

but again, i'm trying to remain optimistic. it's just troublesome.

wow i guess that was all i really needed to say. i hope things work themselves out. and if not, it won't be the end of the world.